Reset. Refresh. Reboot. Restart. Re-do. Do over. Do more. Do better.

Just. Do. It. (F-bomb for emphasis might be strategically yet invisibly inserted in that statement.)

I am a fan of ridiculously long blog post titles (obvs).

I am a type 2 diabetic, but not very in control of my condition. On Sunday I finally screwed up my courage and marched myself down to the lab for the various blood tests my new physican ordered for me. In April. At my request.

Yeah, I have procrastination and head-in-the-sand avoidance techniques down to an art form. But I did it. I made myself go in there fasting and had 5 vials of blood drawn. When I got home, I made an appointment with my doc to receive the bad news.

Only the results started coming in Sunday night. By Monday morning, all my bad behaviors of the last 14 months came home to roost.

My doc’s personal message said it all to me:

I just reviewed your blood work and your blood sugar is out of control. Please schedule an office appointment so we can meet and discuss this face to face.

New doc via text

Shit. I felt like I had just gotten caught doing some very bad thing in class and was being summoned to the principal’s office to discuss my transgressions and how I need to improve my behavior.

I was half expecting this type of response. The whole professional support team that deals with diabetes and other chronic conditions had already been in touch and were demanding insisting encouraging me to make an appointment to get started on improving my behaviors managing my condition.

Fortunately, I feel more ready to take advantage of the programs they offer. Perhaps this time I will climb back up on that wagon and success will stick, undeterred by job stress and life stress (which result in emotional eating, indulging my sugar addiction, and essentially not caring much about the long-term impacts.

I do believe the only thing that has saved me from really bad outcomes has been my 3.75 years (it will be 4 years in October) of consistent and regular resistance training exercise. While I have slacked off in the last 14 months, “slacked off” for me means that I have averaged 4.67 gym visits per week in that time period whereas before, when I had a much better handle on all aspects of my life, I would go stretches of 90 to 100 days without missing a day.

Today I began the reset button. To borrow the motto of AA and other addiction based support programs, one day at a time. Today was day 1.

My successes:

  1. No soda. I don’t drink diet soda; the full calorie, full sugar version is my heroin. To put this in perspective: for the last 6 months, I have had at least 2 20 oz. bottles of coke every single day. Some days it was the equivalent of 2 liters of soda.
  2. No candy. While I would not say I have eaten my weight in chocolate, I have routinely had a king sized chocolate bar most days of the week.
  3. Logging food at MyFitnessPal. I opened this for the first time in months, updated my weight (I have gained 8.6 lbs. since my last login), and dutifully wrote down everything I ate today. I was at 1536 calories, only 336 over my 1200 calorie target. It’s a start.
  4. Testing and taking medications. I actually tested my blood sugar and took medications on time today. I need to find a better schedule/solution, but again, it’s a start. While mainlining sugar, I have been wildly inconsistent about the medications to control my sugars.
  5. Exercise. I was at the gym this morning doing a lower body workout. This is nothing new or even very special, but I feel more focused and deliberate in this endeavor.
  6. Steps! I have a fitness tracking watch that counts my steps. While the goal has been 10,000 since I got the watch in November, I have yet to make that goal. Today, I paid attention to that metric and made about 5,000. With some focus and deliberate effort, I want to extend this to the 10,000 step daily goal.

Bad habits I will have to overcome:

  1. Breakfast pastry. I have a super weakness for croissants and gave in to the impulse this morning. While “only” 12 grams of sugar, it’s 580 calories, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 37 grams of fat. I am skipping dinner for that bad boy. I console myself that at least I limited myself to 1 rather than the 2 I have been consuming.
  2. Piss poor attitude toward blood sugar readings. I have tested routinely throughout the day, and it was only tonight that my reading fell into range. It’s discouraging. It’s depressing. It makes me wonder why I try. It’s only day 1. I keep telling myself: Self, it’s ONLY DAY 1. GET THE F**K OVER YOURSELF.

For a first day of restarting health recovery, I did not do too badly. I am a big fan of celebrating small wins, only now it’s with a glass of ice water.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am hopeful today is the start of a new streak of better lifestyle choices.

Jumping in … except I really don’t jump

There are a lot of things in my head I want to write about, just to Kon Marie my head and thinking. While I am not quite naive enough to believe it will impact my life in significantly positive ways, I am hopeful enough to believe it will streamline the cognative processing process.

So I am putting forth another rah-rah! go me! backgroun post as I prepare for the brain dump that is coming.

For now, a little more about me.

I have a husband and have been married since 1998, so 21 years. In addition to that, we lived together for almost 7 years before getting married. Ours is a good and stable union, and through the years I have come to realized H is the imperfect guy who is nearly perfect for me.

Into this marriage I brought 3 young (at the time) children. I was divorced and my kids at the time we began dating were 4, 5, and 7. The kids’ father was part of their lives, so it was not as if my H became insta-father to them. He was present, we made decisions regarding our life and times together, although he mostly left any required disciplining to me. There were expected standards of behavior set forth from him, though, and while they are not now and were not then far off the normal rules of polite society, my H and I are different enough to make me feel his implementation was too heavy handed. In hindsight, his approach differed from my own.

Growing up, the kids were easy-going and good kids. No serious issues other than having to nag about getting homework done, etc. I like my kids as people as well as love them because they are my offspring. As grown-ups, they are caring and responsible adults.

I do not think my life is anything special in either its ordinaryness or its lack of spontaneous drama. H and I are both flawed in different ways, and the strengths and weaknesses of our personalities are evident in our choices and living our lives. A good example: H is extremely active on social media sites – Facebook and Instagram – and stands firmly in his beliefs and is willing to wade into the muck when his values are challenged or mocked. Me? I quit FB a couple of years ago after a very limited presence for about 18 months. I also just deleted an instagram account after 8 months and zero posts. I dislike the venom and the poison that is often found in these public forums.

Blogging limits my exposure to the shenanigans in social media and helps me maintain balance. I feel more in control of my own narrative here in my own blog.

And I want to stay practical, positive even when the tales are woeful, sad, or inspire a sense of white-hot anger. Facts and circumstances can inspire strong emotion, and while I do not have anything again expressing emotion, I understand that my reactions are not necessarily going to effect change on the facts or events. I would like to influence the outcome of future situations and circumstances, though. In my mind, I cannot rewrite the story of what has happened to me, but maybe I can create happier endings to similar situations going forward.

I am, at my core, a hopeful optimist.